Things I Have Learned

If you get that creepy crawly feeling like you have something on your arm…you probably do.
If you are craving a specific food…there’s a guarantee it will be out of stock.
If you are considering making a sandcastle out of the sand in your shower…you should know there is enough.
If you think you will ever get the saltwater taste off your lips or out of the back of your throat…wrong.
If you think you can walk down the street without getting cat called…also wrong.
If you decide after six weeks that you would like a proper drinking glass…don’t buy the tall one because you will most likely end up smashing it against the open cupboard door.
If you are attempting to light the gas stove hot plate “thing” to make food…make sure you run water over your hand first otherwise it’s a burn to your thumb…every time.
If you think you finally have the mosquito net completely patched up…look again, you missed a spot.
If you forget about your midmorning reapplication of sunscreen…you will look like Rudolph for the next two days.
If you can’t hear your own thoughts because your ears are ringing too badly…you were probably at a Brazilian World Cup match.
If you get kicked out of the fancy hotel for doing your laundry there…it’s probably better to leave off mentioning they have too much chlorine in their pool and the free drinks have too much ice.
If you decide to buy a coconut…it’s a good idea NOT to hold it above the toenail that got shattered by a scuba tank…it’s going to hurt a lot (!!!!!!!) when you drop it.
If you get rid of one spider…five more arrive, let them be.
If you find a giant roach, the biggest one you’ve seen since living here…it’s probably going to be sitting on your can of Raid.
If you want to go out but it’s pouring with rain…wait ten minutes and it will have stopped….but make sure the place you are walking to is within a ten minute walk otherwise you will be jumping into random stores for another ten minutes.
If you are trying to buy street mangos…don’t…three out of seven times they will have some sort of bug (including fire ants) in them that will take you forever to get out of your flat.
If you smile first…locals will always smile back.
If you are new in town…make friends with the owner of your favorite bar…he might happen to own half the buildings in town and seriously offer to rough anyone up who gives you a hard time.
If your fan breaks…it will be on the hottest day…but don’t worry, it will be fixed by the time it starts to rain and cool off.
If you decide to buy a plant…keep it outside.
If you lose your cat…two more will move in…now you have three.
If you listen…you will learn.
If you are at the point where even the water bucket is feeling heavy… that means it’s Saturday..
If you are assisting with a discover scuba class…try not to laugh when the lady asks if sharks can climb on boats, that’s rude.
If you weren’t allowed to dive with your favorite co-worker, Astrid, by the end…that’s because all you did underwater was crack up when you were supposed to be showing customers stuff.
If you don’t watch where you’re walking when you get home...you will get attacked by the #@$%ing(!!!!) chicken that has a life goal of clawing and pecking you every chance it gets.
If you are defending your bikes greatness to somebody…don’t mention that the soles of your flipflops are almost gone from lack of brakes.
If you sweat soaked, waterlogged, and covered in sand…it’s 07:30.
If you need to go to the doctor…don’t bother, you probably know just as much as he does.
If you quote yourself as “living the dream” when you have a full set of scuba gear on while are carrying two more tanks during the hottest part of the day and are seven hours in to a thirteen hour work day…you are going to get some odd looks. ☺